


What We Hold Onto

by MaliceManaged



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, I Don't Even Know, Love Confessions, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 11:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaliceManaged/pseuds/MaliceManaged
Summary: Of all the things one would expect to casually hear from a friend; suicidal intentions is typically not one of them...





	What We Hold Onto

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I have no idea where this came from. I think I dreamed most of it. I dunno.

    Loki walked up the by now familiar cliff without having to pay any real attention to where his feet landed, he’d been there enough times to be able to walk it in his sleep. Not for any sentimentality towards the man he’d occasionally called ‘father’, of course; he kept all of that firmly locked away in a box in the farthest corner of his mind, to be dealt with preferably never. No, what kept him coming back, aside from the fact that it really was a beautiful place, was the woman he knew as Clara.

 

    They almost hadn’t met. Wouldn’t have, had Korg and his band of so recently former gladiators not picked her up along the way to the ship. She’d been someone’s slave, he knew that much, but she never talked about it and he knew better than to ask. He’d run into her by chance after their scrambling departure from Asgard and, in the absence of anything to do, they got to talking, where he learned she was apparently immortal despite being human as far as anyone could tell and was three centuries short of his age. He was pretty sure Clara wasn’t the name she was given at birth, but it’s not like it really made a difference so he simply didn’t mention it.

 

    When they’d arrived in Midgard, Clara became somewhat distant and he noticed she often had a sad look about her when no one else was looking that she was quick to cover with a false smile the moment anyone did. She also took to sitting on the edge of the cliff where Odin had died, simply looking out towards the horizon. She always went alone, simply disappeared from the ship and the camp that had sprouted around it in the wait for more permanent accommodations, but a quick locator spell and then habit always had him joining her before long.

 

    “You know, you’d save time and a walk if you just set up a tent here,” he said by way of greeting as he reached her, earning a halfhearted huff of a laugh.

 

    He frowned a bit at the non-response and sat down next to her, taking in the profile of her face. She’d sprouted more freckles and gained weight in the time they’d been there and the pallor had given way to a healthy glow, but while lessened since they’d escaped Sakaar, the circles under her brown eyes were still there, meaning she wasn’t sleeping well again. He reached up and brushed a lock of her bright red hair off her face, and the lack of any reaction concerned him; Clara always flinched away when anyone touched her without her seeing it coming.

 

    “Clara, talk to me.”

 

    She was silent for a long while, looking out at the waves, then brought her knees up to her chest and curled her hands around them. “I think I’m going to kill myself.”

 

    “What?!” That was most certainly not the response he’d expected.

 

    “Might as well,” she shrugged. “I don’t see the point in going on living. And it’s not like anyone would miss me. It would have to be clean, of course; I don’t want to leave a mess for someone to have to clean up,” she continued, oblivious to his growing alarm, “What do you think?”

 

    Loki gaped at her for a moment before he could find his words. “What do I...? How about you just _don’t??”_

 

    Clara looked at him then and blinked at his horrified expression. “Why not?”

 

    “Because... because... just... just don’t,” he stammered, still trying to process the fact that she seemed to be genuinely confused by his response. “And you’re wrong; someone would miss you.”

 

    She tilted her head a bit to the side. “Who?”

 

    “ _Me,_ you fool!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up exasperatedly, “ _I_ would miss you! You’re the only tolerable person here.”

 

    “What about Val?”

 

    “What _about_ Val? Half the time she wants to kill me, the other half she’s too drunk to remember that she wants to kill me.”

 

    “Yeah, I’m eighty-five percent sure that’s just how she expresses affection.”

 

    Loki rolled his eyes, not really able to refute that; Val was a surprisingly complicated person. “Regardless; you’re the only one here I like all of the time.” Clara looked doubtful and he sighed. “I know I haven’t been spending much time with you since we arrived here, but it’s true. If Thor was not so intent on keeping me as busy as physically possible, nothing would have changed, I promise.”

 

    Clara huffed and looked back to the sea. “I don’t expect you to babysit me, Loki. I knew this would happen eventually. When we were in space, there wasn’t much to do. Now there is. No need to kill time by talking to me.”

 

    “That’s not-”

 

    “It’s fine! Really. I get it.”

 

    He sighed frustratedly and moved closer mostly to get her attention, taking her face in his hands and turning it towards his. “Clara, that is not what I was doing. You are more than something to pass the time; you’re my... friend.” He leaned in to press a soft kiss to her lips then locked their gazes. “I care for you very deeply; I’m just embarrassingly terrible at showing it.”

 

    She breathed a laugh. “So, no suicide?”

 

    “Norns, _no!”_ he replied a bit more vehemently than he intended, causing her to flinch slightly, which in turn caused him to wince and release her. “Sorry.”

 

    “That’s okay.” She scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, which he responded to by wrapping his arm around her waist. “I really didn’t think it would matter,” she said at length.

 

    “Well, it does.”

 

    “I’m sorry.”

 

    “You should be; you scared me half to death.”

 

    “Sorry.”

 

    “That’s alright, dear; just please don’t do it again.”

 

    They watched as the sky shifted through the reds and yellows of sunset, and long after the stars began to shine, only moving to get up when he felt her begin to shiver with cold. He took her back to his room, not quite trusting her to be by herself, and they lay in his bed, her back to his front and his arms around her, a hand occasionally caressing up and down her arm.

 

    “Loki?”

 

    “Yes?”

 

    “Why do you like me?”

 

    “I just do.”

 

    “But it makes no sense.”

 

    He breathed a laugh. “Most things I do don’t.” He could practically feel her frown. “I don’t need a reason to like you, elskan, but there are plenty.”

 

    “Like what?” she asked sceptically.

 

    “I like your laugh; it’s quite possibly the loudest I’ve ever heard from such a small creature and I adore it.” That earned him an elbow to the ribs and he laughed.

 

    “Asshole.”

 

    He kissed the back of her head. “You asked.” He tightened his arms around her in anticipation of her reaction and she huffed instead. “I like how thoughtful you are, even as I dread to know if the trait was a... recent acquisition. I like your curiosity, the way you look at everything around you, trying to figure out what makes it all work. I like your hair, it always smells so good.” He buried his nose in it and inhaled, causing her to laugh. “Seriously, how do you do that?”

 

    “I wash it? People do that, you know.” His responding huff tickled her scalp and she shuddered a bit.

 

    “Where was I? Ah, yes; extolling your numerous virtues!” That earned an amused snort he grinned at. “I’d be remiss not to mention your very well proportioned anatomy,” he continued, squeezing her hip lightly, “The things I would do to you given half a chance...” He smirked at what he could see of her resulting blush. “But that we can discuss later. I like how you throw yourself into a task with all of your being; you could never possibly be accused of half-assing anything. I like that tiny accomplished smile you get when something goes well, though I do wish you’d stop being so surprised at your successes; you give yourself too little credit.”

 

    “I don’t-”

 

    “I know you don’t do it on purpose, Clara, and I’m not trying to guilt you. I understand, more than you know.”

 

     “Does it have to do with that thing you never talk about?”

 

    “Yes.”

 

    She turned around to face him and reached a hand up to his face only to stop short with her fingertips just skimming his jaw. He took her hand in his and pulled it the rest of the way up, kissing her palm before letting it rest on his cheek. “Loki?”

 

    “Yes?”

 

    “Can I kiss you?”

 

    He smiled slightly. “Yes.”

 

    She closed the rest of the distance and shyly pressed her lips to his, gaining confidence when he responded. She pulled away far sooner than he would have liked, but he kept his disappointment to himself, knowing how big a step even that little bit was for her.

 

    “If you need something to hold onto, how about this: I love you.”

 

     Her breath hitched a bit then she closed the distance and kissed him again. When they parted, she nestled as close to him as she could. “I think that’ll do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment. Pretty please?


End file.
